my 'classic' thoughts on.... 'Hit and Run' (2009)

Dragging the depths of my old horror reviews, I thought they might need to see the light of day again. So, I bring you some of Joel's 'Classic' horror reviews....

Let me start this review by saying, I think this movie is miss-titled. It should have been called 'Dumb', plain and simple. I don't know how much more I can clearly put it, this movie was silly and pointless and not in a fun way. But I'll be damned if I wasn't transfixed throughout the whole thing. I couldn't stop watching it, no matter how terrible it became.... and it just kept getting worse and worse! In the back of my mind, I was hoping that things would turn around. However, that was just wishful thinking. It starts out with a bang, literally and it continues on like it's going to end. The problem is, it just keeps going and going and going and just when you think you've seen the dumbest part of the movie, it just gets even dumber. It's basically a turd in a DVD case. (well, it was on demand, so a turd on demand).

Here's the story, if you can call it one. A young woman on spring break, leaves a bar and swerves to miss something in the road. She ends up hitting a man with her car and doesn't realize it. She goes home and later on in the evening finds out that a man is impaled on the front of her jeep. She checks to see if he's alive and he grabs her. She freaks out and hits him with a golf club, as you do, and thinks she's killed him. At that point, she's not sure what to do, so she goes and buries the body in a shallow grave. The only person she tells about this is her boyfriend, so now he's involved too. When they go back to get the blanket she had wrapped the body in (because she's afraid to get caught) she finds her boyfriend is dead. The man is gone too. Then suddenly, he attacks her. He then straps her to the front of the jeep and begins to terrorize her. It just goes downhill from there or should I say, further downhill.

This movie has no point, no plot, no suspense, no horror, it's just a big ball of poop. There's nothing redeeming about it. I kind of wish I had never watched it. Maybe you'd enjoy it? It was recommended to me by a friend that I shouldn't watch it, but I didn't listen and took the time to watch it anyway. That's time I'll never get back. Also, how Kevin Corrigan got involved in this, I'll never know. I thought he was better than that. I should also mention the ending. I think the writer had a heart attach and died and they got a monkey to finish the script. Honestly, stay away. For the love of God, stay away. 2 out of 5 stars, only because I couldn't stop watching, no matter how bad it got.

(NEW thoughts: As I was transposing the original review, from it's oddly formatted style, I had flashbacks about this film. I don't know why it's so seared into my brain, but it seems to have left some sort of permanent impression that I can never wash out. Curse you 'Hit and Run' (2009)!)



If you would rather watch a better version of a similar story, check out: 'Struck' (with Mena Suvari)

my 'classic' thoughts on.... 'Thankskilling'

Dragging the depths of my old horror reviews, I thought they might need to see the light of day again. So, I bring you some of Joel's 'Classic' horror reviews....

Let me start by saying, this movie is AWESOME! I'll begin this review by telling you that I gave it 4 out of 5 stars. This film is so freaking fun and funny that I can't help but love it. It's on par with some of the best of the Troma movies. It's terrible, but in a terribly wonderful way. I mean, it's about a killer turkey, what's not to love? The turkey talks and has one liners out the butt. He swears like a sailor and this movie starts out crazy and just keeps going crazier from there. I mean, the start of the movie involves a pilgrim woman with her breasts hanging out, being chased by a killer turkey. He makes a lame joke and then proceeds to dispatch her. It's just so strange that it works. It's obvious that the turkey is a giant puppet. The film makers don't even try to hide it. The scenes are over the top and gross. Things that you would never even dream of happening.... happen in this film. Like a turkey fornicating or using shotgun or getting urinated on by a dog. Have I gotten your attention yet? If not, then this may not be the movie for you.

The basic premise is that a Native American shaman creates this turkey to avenge the wrongs that had happened to his people. Every 505 years, the turkey comes back to exact more revenge. It just so happens that on his most recent visit for murder, five kids are on Thanksgiving break and happen upon him. At that point, the demonic turkey is on the hung. He slowly tracks them down one by one (We, the viewer, have no idea how) and kills them off throwing out a one liner in triumph.

In my mind, I think the writer got really high and just had fun letting it all flow. There are no boundries and nothing is sacred. Just look at the poster for it and you'll understand. One of my favorite scenes involves the father of one of the kids, who also happens to be the sheriff. The turkey comes to his house with a pair of Groucho glasses on and the sheriff thinks he's one of his daughters friends. The sit down to have coffee and talk. It's a very bizarre scene where I kept asking myself, “Why is the sheriff not noticing that this is a giant, talking turkey?” I'll never know why. Then, the turkey kills the sheriff and makes a mask out of his face. He puts it on as a disguise, along with the sheriff's ten gallon hat. When the kids show up to find a book on how to possibly stop the murdering bird, they don't even notice that the turkey is already in the house posing as the girls father. Its' hilarious!

I cannot recommend this one enough. If you're a fan of bad movies that are so bad that they're good again, like a Troma film, then is a big winner for you. Stop reading this review and go spend an hour and six minutes to revel in the craziness. You'll thank me when you're done. End of story.

(NEW thoughts: I've seen this several more times since this review, as well as it's sequel. They are bat crap crazy and I love every second of them. While they may not be everyone's cup of tea, for the initiated.... they are like winning the golden ticket.)



This is nothing else quite like this film, except for maybe something out of the Lloyd Kaufman catalog.

my 'classic' thoughts on.... 'Dead in 3 Days'

Dragging the depths of my old horror reviews, I thought they might need to see the light of day again. So, I bring you some of Joel's 'Classic' horror reviews....

This of the Austrian version of 'I Know What You Did Last Summer', but with more artistic merit.... and it's in German. That's pretty much all I can say about this one. It was a 3 out of 5 star movie, primarily for the film making. However, it was way too close the afformentioned movie for comfort. I suppose you could add a dash of the original 'Friday the 13th' from 1980, but not that good. I wasn't at all impressed. The cinematography was the only worthwhile part.

(NEW thoughts: I have no recollection of this film at all, other than the poster. I guess it left a lasting impression?)



If you watch this, you might also want to watch: 'I Know What You Did Last Summer', 'Friday the 13th' (1980) and 'I Still Know What You Did Last Summer'

my 'classic' thoughts on.... 'The Morgue'

Dragging the depths of my old horror reviews, I thought they might need to see the light of day again. So, I bring you some of Joel's 'Classic' horror reviews....

Imagine you're a screenwriter. You've got a great idea for a movie, so you write a script. You get the money to get it produced and not one, but TWO directors for it! You get one star with a name for themselves and you make your dream film. Everything you'd hoped for becomes a reality! The dream is fulfilled. That brilliant idea that started it all, is now on celluloid for all the world to marvel at. It's amazing. The sad thing it.... your movie actually sucks.

'The Morgue' seems to be that movie and I'll start off this review by saying that it deserves less than a 1 star rating. Sadly, that's not possible on Netflix and to be honest, I barely even made it through this movie. The only reason I even added it to the queue and was quick to watch it was because of the fact that Heather Donahue (of 'The Blair Witch Project') was getting top billing. I couldn't wait to see her in something again! Little did I know, what I was really in for. Good lord, she only had about 20 minutes of screen time total. I can honestly say that I didn't care about any of the characters in this movie, not even hers. Not even a little tiny bit. What's the point of a horror movie or any movie if you don't give a rats ass about the characters involved? I was hoping that maybe I'd get lucky, after about 15 minutes of the movie, that something would go drastically wrong and Netflix headquarters and I'd never be able to finish it. Oh well, that never came to fruition.

Here's the genius plot of the film. A girl works at a morgue with only one other person, the nightwatchman. A family of 3 run out of gas and show up during the night. Meanwhile, 2 guys that have been in an accident end up showing up too. We keep getting flashbacks about a mortician who killed himself and has come back for revenge. No one is safe! Everything gets confusing and horribly edited. People start dying off one by one as the group tries to find a way to escape But where's the watchman? He's not the killer, but he's strangely missing and a bit aloof. Then the twist at the end happens. Oh my, what a twist it was.

Do not waste one minute of your time to watch this one. Stay away at all costs. The twist is pulled off horribly. It's kind of confusing at first and the script and editing job don't help things much. In reality, who really gives a damn anyway? Just be thankful that it's over. I'm not demanding my time back. I, at least, got to see Heather for awhile and she does so few movies, it was nice. Other than that though, it's a complete work of garbage. I have no idea why it was even made. It should have stayed a script on someone's coffee table, safe from the world. Anyway, at least from watching it, I can warn you before you make the same mistake. Don't hope for the 'So bad it's good' factor. This is just bad. 1 out of 5 stars, in case you didn't get that from the first part of my review.

In closing, it's like having your teeth pulled really slowly, while under a mild anesthesia. Everything is blurry, but you still feel every pinch, pull and tug. Not too mention, your dentist is Stevie Wonder. Got the image in your head? That's this movie.

(NEW thoughts: I don't remember anything about this one, if that says anything. Although, I am still finding that I was a much harsher critic back in the day. That's not at all who I am now. It's kind of weird seeing where I was and wondering what made me so dang jaded?)



If you feel like watching this. Don't. Watch anything else instead.

my 'classic' thoughts on.... 'A Nightmare on Elm Street' (2010)

Dragging the depths of my old horror reviews, I thought they might need to see the light of day again. So, I bring you some of Joel's 'Classic' horror reviews....

I've long since overcome my dispute with remakes. Instead, I give them their day in court and try to keep an open mind. With the majority of the ones I've seen lately, they don't seem to be getting any better and with the recent news that Robert Zemeckis is looking to re-do 'The Wizard of Oz', I'm really wondering what they're going to be retooling next?

The original 'A Nightmare on Elm Street' was a film with heart. It was limited by the FX of the time, but Wes Craven had a vision and he carried it out as best he could. What he created gave birth to one of the most recognizable horror icons in the history of fright films. Not too mention, it spawned a ton of sequels, merchandise and even a TV show! Now, to the 2010 modernized retelling. Personally, I think Jackie Earle Haley is a talented guy. He's short and that kind of works against him in the title role of Freddy Krueger. However, he makes the best of it. The first thing that jumped out at me with this movie, was the makeup effects for Freddy. They went for a more realistic burn victim look. In the original, Freddy didn't look nearly as burned as he more looked like he had a pizza face.... but it worked. With the new makeup, it became distracting to look at Freddy. Also, his voice is much deeper and more menacing. It tended to give him a darker edge. A positive change was the way that Jackie used the glove, by rubbing the knives together in anticipation before he killed someone. It showed that he relished in what he was doing. That he enjoyed taking revenge on the children of Elm Street. He also kept the character from making jokes. Something that eventually destroyed the Elm Street franchise, in my opinion. My favorite scene in this movie was where Freddy had just killed the teen in the jail cell and then we cut to the dreamworld. In this space, Freddy had his victim hanging upside down and he comes right up to his face and says something like, “....the human mind lives on for 7 more minutes after dead. This means we have 6 more minutes to play.” If the whole movie was this sinister, it might have put the fear of Freddy back into us all. Sadly, this is the high point.

In regards to the new Nancy, played by Rooney Mara, I didn't care for her nearly as much as I did for Heather Langenkamp's portrayal. Needless to say, most of the characters just came off as flat and dull. Not too mention, something I covered earlier, this movie didn't have the same heart as the original version. It was a movie made for the sake of making a movie and for that, I started to lose interest after a while. I still enjoyed Jackie's portrayal. I only hoped for something more than what we got. There's talk of a sequel already and I kind of doubt that they could take it to a new place and a better place. But who knows? I'm sure I'll submit myself to watching it, as I'm always willing to give a movie a try. I give this 3 out of 5 stars. Mostly for Jackie Earle Haley's performance and not for the rest of the cast and crew. Sorry guys, but you didn't pull off a miracle. Finally, if you're a fan of the original, you may want to think twice before watching this one. Who knows? Maybe I'm wrong and you'll end up loving it? But I doubt it.

(NEW thoughts from 2018: I've watched this again a few more times since this original review. I can honestly say that I still don't like it. Not that I don't care for remakes, but rather.... it's just not a good film. While it has some moments of good things happening and can be very effective, it is just too much of a hodge podge of ideas that never seem cohesive or logical. A horror film by committee. I would actually drop this to 2 out of 5 stars upon repeated viewings.)



If you like this or want something similar, check out: 'Friday the 13' (2009), 'The Texas Chainsaw Massacre' (2003) and 'My Bloody Valentine' (2009)

my 'classic' thoughts on.... 'Someone's Knocking at the Door'

Dragging the depths of my old horror reviews, I thought they might need to see the light of day again. So, I bring you some of Joel's 'Classic' horror reviews....

(Note to the reader: I must have been in a pretty bad place, at the time I was writing this. As this is a fairly angry review.)

I will never know exactly what possessed me to watch this movie. I've never been so happy to see something be over. There was nothing redeeming about this film. There was nothing interesting about this film. It wasn't a pleasure to watch. The script was god awful, the directing was sub par (at best), the actors were horrific, the plot was z-grade porno with a bit of blood and gore. I don't even want to dignify this movie by explaining the plot. I'm not even sure there was one, to be honest. Basically, it was a lot of gross out things happening and drug use. The ending was predictable and lame, as all get out. I don't even know how in the hell this movie got funding. Let's hope this put the nail in the coffin for anyone involved from ever making a film again. I'd rather watch beige paint dry, than to ever have to watch this again. Less than 1 out of 5 stars, if that was even possible? I suppose that would make it a zero.



Rather than watch this, I'd recommend getting a vasectomy. If you want to see something better, just watch anything other than 'Someone's Knocking at the Door'.

my 'classic' thoughts on.... 'Paranormal Entity'

Dragging the depths of my old horror reviews, I thought they might need to see the light of day again. So, I bring you some of Joel's 'Classic' horror reviews....

I've stayed away from the ripoffs of popular films, ever since I saw some of 'Transmorphers'. This appeared to be yet another “mockbuster”, but I thought I'd give it a shot anyway. I mean, how bad could it be? Well, I stand corrected. This movie was actually pretty well done and although it felt a lot like 'Paranormal Activity', it was still it's own film. Not too mention, a pretty good one at that! The story is not the same as it's counterpart. It's a bit more violent and creepy and the acting was way above par for your average straight to video release. The effects were quite well done, what few there were and I honestly got chills at a few scenes. As a lover of horror films, I would recommend that you consider watching this one. It just proves that, despite all the garbage out there, there are some of these types of films that aren't that bad. Some of them are even quite good.

Here's the plot: Footage is found in the attic of a home, where multiple murders had occurred. At the end of the killing spree, only one man survived and he was accused of committing the crime. The videos were eventually put together and 'Paranormal Entity' was the result. Evidence of what had happened.

All in all, I'd give it 3 out of 5 stars. I think it was a nice bookend to the 'Paranormal Activity' franchise and something you might enjoy, if you like the found footage genre. I'm not sure if it's something that I would ever need to see again, but I certainly don't regret watching it. It was good enough, that you would almost believe that this and 'Paranormal Activity' were shot at the same time and just happened to have a similar plot. Give it a watch, you may end up being pleasantly surprised.



If you like this, check out: 'Paranormal Activity', Paranormal Activity 2' and 'The Blair Witch Project'

my 'classic' thoughts on.... 'Miner's Massacre' aka 'Curse of the Forty-Niner'

Dragging the depths of my old horror reviews, I thought they might need to see the light of day again. So, I bring you some of Joel's 'Classic' horror reviews....

Don't ask me why I even bothered adding this one to my Netflix queue. But for some unknown reason, I did. Perhaps I was hoping for a “good” bad movie? What I got instead, was a “bad” terrible movie. Nothing about this film was worthwhile. Not even Karen Black could save it from itself. It was pure and unadulterated crap, from start to finish.

Once again, I'm not even going to bother with the plot. Well, maybe I will? A miner, who's some what of a satanist, puts a curse on his gold. This way, if anyone takes it, he'll come back from the dead to kill them. Of course, some young people find it and he comes back for his revenge. Did I mention that he puts a pick ax onto his arm, so that he can use it to kill everyone? Well, he does. 1 out of 5 stars and yes, they left it open for a sequel.



If you put this in your queue, you deserve what you get. Instead, watch something similar, but more entertaining: ALL of the 'Leprechaun' films. (minus, 'Leprechaun: Origins')

my 'classic' thoughts on.... 'Laid To Rest'

Dragging the depths of my old horror reviews, I thought they might need to see the light of day again. So, I bring you some of Joel's 'Classic' horror reviews....

Last night, I had the pleasure of watching a little low budget nasty called, 'Laid to Rest'. It isn't going to win any awards. It didn't re-invent the wheel, but it's an hour and a half of non-stop blood, guts, gore and icky stuff. Not too mention that the killer was fairly original and entertaining to watch and learn about. In a sea of stellar slasher flicks, it's nice to find one that is a tad above the bar. The basic premise is that a woman wakes up in a casket with no memory. Soon, she finds out that she's being chased by a serial killer called 'Chromeskull'. Shortly after that, we're off to the races! She tracks down some help, along the way, and each one is killed off one after another. More and more is revealed and soon we've reached the climax of the film. Meanwhile, you're wondering where the time went?

The stand out parts of this film, invlove the gore. The special effects are above average and tend to overshadow the story, which is very simple in scope. There are some violent kills, but nothing very new or inventive. Still, it's worth the price of admission. One thing that left me feeling a bit let down was the ending and the lack of closure. It seemed like we got a lot of build up to only end with a slighly abrut and unsatisfying finale. I'd say it pays off, however, not as well as I'd hoped. I mean, they build up this killer so much, that it would have left itself wide open for a franchise. Sadly, that probably won't happen, but I've said too much. (Editorial note: There was a sequel to this film called 'Chromeskull: Laid To Rest 2', that was released 2 years later. There is also a 3rd film in the franchise in the works now.)

All that being said, if you have Netflix, it's on demand right now or to rent. (Editor's note: This film is no longer available to stream online.) I would say it's worth a night of popcorn and brainless slaying. You won't find any great revelations and will probably feel slightly let down, but the rest of it is so strong, that it holds up to the test of above average slasher film. If this piece of bloody good fun is an indication of what the director and writer have in store for the future, then I'm eager to see what's next. All in all, 3 out of 5 stars. Worth your time, but perhaps not worth repeated viewings. Check it out for yourselves and let me know what you think. A killer for a new age. One of cell phones, fast cars and shoudler mounted video cameras. Keep in mind though, this one isn't for the faint of heart.



If you enjoy this movie, check out: 'Splinter', 'P2' and 'Scream'

my 'classic' thoughts on.... 'Amusement'

Dragging the depths of my old horror reviews, I thought they might need to see the light of day again. So, I bring you some of Joel's 'Classic' horror reviews....

With my ongoing trend of watching low budget slasher flicks, I came across this little gem of a movie. The poster was enough to gain my attention and the premise seemed interesting enough. So, once again, Netflix provided me with another nights entertainment. Now, it's not your typical scary movie. It feels a bit disjointed and uneven, but there are enough good things about it, to make it worth your time to watch it at least once. I don't know how many of you have seen the movie 'Dead Silence' by James Wan? That film had a cool poster, an interesting premise and seemed to offer some serious promise. The first scene was glorious, the middle parts were decent, but on the whole.... it was kind of a let down and got washed away into the bland world of horror film cliches. This is kind of how I felt about 'Amusement'. It held a lot of promise, but gets overshadowed by cliches and a lack of direction.

The basic premise is that the kid in grade school, that everyone thought was a weirdo and nobody wanted to hang out with, grew up. Along the way, he made an effort to shock everyone and seemed to have a bit of a screw loose. Meanwhile, three girls that were at the center of the whole situation and one of them ends up being the focus of the film. There are no really big name actors in this movie and that ends up lending a little bit more credibility to the story line. Although, one of the characters from the opening scene, was also in my previous movie I reviewed, 'Laid To Rest'.

Alright, now for the good and bad points of the film. The bad points start with the opening scene, that makes no sense with the rest of the story. Although, if my theory is correct and it would have been explained better, I guess it's not a total waste of time. There are also some serious plot holes and some jumps in logic. Not too mention, I want to know where all of these unstable killers find these awesome place to hold up and kill people with no one being the wiser! Now, the good point of the movie. And by this, I mean the really only bright and shining part. It involves the poster and one of the photos included in this review. The main character is babysitting and finds out the master bedroom is full of clowns. One, in particular, is life sized and sitting in a rocking chair just looking really creepy. We soon find out that the owners have no idea where that clown came from and it just gets scarier from there. This is the one big reason I even recommend this movie. Not unlike the reason I would recommend 'Dead Silence'. One good scene might just be able to justify and hour and a half of your life getting used up.

Overall, I wasn't happy with this movie, but I wasn't totally let down either. It's a popcorn movie and would make a good double feature with 'Laid To Rest'. Both were pretty solid 2 out of 5 star films. Decent stories, decent gore and scares and decent acting and not skimping too much on the quality of film making. Not a bad way to waste some time. Also, you don't have to think too much. I think if the film maker comes up with another good idea and spends a bit more time developing the truly scary parts and leaving out the filler.... we might just have an above average horror film. It could even gain some serious buzz. (Editors note: Sadly, this never happened.) So pop it in and let me know what you think? Maybe I'm jaded and over critical of it, but when I see a movie and I don't want to see the same things I've seen 100 times before, it would be nice to be surprised. All in all, the scene with the clown, at the beginning, did put me on edge and offer a nice little surprise. Too bad the rest of the film didn't do the same thing.



If you enjoy this movie, check out: 'Dead Silence', 'Clownhouse' and 'Killer Klowns from Outer Space'