Dragging the depths of my old horror reviews, I thought they might need to see the light of day again. So, I bring you some of Joel's 'Classic' horror reviews....
Imagine you're a screenwriter. You've got a great idea for a movie, so you write a script. You get the money to get it produced and not one, but TWO directors for it! You get one star with a name for themselves and you make your dream film. Everything you'd hoped for becomes a reality! The dream is fulfilled. That brilliant idea that started it all, is now on celluloid for all the world to marvel at. It's amazing. The sad thing it.... your movie actually sucks.
'The Morgue' seems to be that movie and I'll start off this review by saying that it deserves less than a 1 star rating. Sadly, that's not possible on Netflix and to be honest, I barely even made it through this movie. The only reason I even added it to the queue and was quick to watch it was because of the fact that Heather Donahue (of 'The Blair Witch Project') was getting top billing. I couldn't wait to see her in something again! Little did I know, what I was really in for. Good lord, she only had about 20 minutes of screen time total. I can honestly say that I didn't care about any of the characters in this movie, not even hers. Not even a little tiny bit. What's the point of a horror movie or any movie if you don't give a rats ass about the characters involved? I was hoping that maybe I'd get lucky, after about 15 minutes of the movie, that something would go drastically wrong and Netflix headquarters and I'd never be able to finish it. Oh well, that never came to fruition.
Here's the genius plot of the film. A girl works at a morgue with only one other person, the nightwatchman. A family of 3 run out of gas and show up during the night. Meanwhile, 2 guys that have been in an accident end up showing up too. We keep getting flashbacks about a mortician who killed himself and has come back for revenge. No one is safe! Everything gets confusing and horribly edited. People start dying off one by one as the group tries to find a way to escape But where's the watchman? He's not the killer, but he's strangely missing and a bit aloof. Then the twist at the end happens. Oh my, what a twist it was.
Do not waste one minute of your time to watch this one. Stay away at all costs. The twist is pulled off horribly. It's kind of confusing at first and the script and editing job don't help things much. In reality, who really gives a damn anyway? Just be thankful that it's over. I'm not demanding my time back. I, at least, got to see Heather for awhile and she does so few movies, it was nice. Other than that though, it's a complete work of garbage. I have no idea why it was even made. It should have stayed a script on someone's coffee table, safe from the world. Anyway, at least from watching it, I can warn you before you make the same mistake. Don't hope for the 'So bad it's good' factor. This is just bad. 1 out of 5 stars, in case you didn't get that from the first part of my review.
In closing, it's like having your teeth pulled really slowly, while under a mild anesthesia. Everything is blurry, but you still feel every pinch, pull and tug. Not too mention, your dentist is Stevie Wonder. Got the image in your head? That's this movie.
(NEW thoughts: I don't remember anything about this one, if that says anything. Although, I am still finding that I was a much harsher critic back in the day. That's not at all who I am now. It's kind of weird seeing where I was and wondering what made me so dang jaded?)
If you feel like watching this. Don't. Watch anything else instead.
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