my 'classic' thoughts on.... 'The Morgue'

Dragging the depths of my old horror reviews, I thought they might need to see the light of day again. So, I bring you some of Joel's 'Classic' horror reviews....

Imagine you're a screenwriter. You've got a great idea for a movie, so you write a script. You get the money to get it produced and not one, but TWO directors for it! You get one star with a name for themselves and you make your dream film. Everything you'd hoped for becomes a reality! The dream is fulfilled. That brilliant idea that started it all, is now on celluloid for all the world to marvel at. It's amazing. The sad thing it.... your movie actually sucks.

'The Morgue' seems to be that movie and I'll start off this review by saying that it deserves less than a 1 star rating. Sadly, that's not possible on Netflix and to be honest, I barely even made it through this movie. The only reason I even added it to the queue and was quick to watch it was because of the fact that Heather Donahue (of 'The Blair Witch Project') was getting top billing. I couldn't wait to see her in something again! Little did I know, what I was really in for. Good lord, she only had about 20 minutes of screen time total. I can honestly say that I didn't care about any of the characters in this movie, not even hers. Not even a little tiny bit. What's the point of a horror movie or any movie if you don't give a rats ass about the characters involved? I was hoping that maybe I'd get lucky, after about 15 minutes of the movie, that something would go drastically wrong and Netflix headquarters and I'd never be able to finish it. Oh well, that never came to fruition.

Here's the genius plot of the film. A girl works at a morgue with only one other person, the nightwatchman. A family of 3 run out of gas and show up during the night. Meanwhile, 2 guys that have been in an accident end up showing up too. We keep getting flashbacks about a mortician who killed himself and has come back for revenge. No one is safe! Everything gets confusing and horribly edited. People start dying off one by one as the group tries to find a way to escape But where's the watchman? He's not the killer, but he's strangely missing and a bit aloof. Then the twist at the end happens. Oh my, what a twist it was.

Do not waste one minute of your time to watch this one. Stay away at all costs. The twist is pulled off horribly. It's kind of confusing at first and the script and editing job don't help things much. In reality, who really gives a damn anyway? Just be thankful that it's over. I'm not demanding my time back. I, at least, got to see Heather for awhile and she does so few movies, it was nice. Other than that though, it's a complete work of garbage. I have no idea why it was even made. It should have stayed a script on someone's coffee table, safe from the world. Anyway, at least from watching it, I can warn you before you make the same mistake. Don't hope for the 'So bad it's good' factor. This is just bad. 1 out of 5 stars, in case you didn't get that from the first part of my review.

In closing, it's like having your teeth pulled really slowly, while under a mild anesthesia. Everything is blurry, but you still feel every pinch, pull and tug. Not too mention, your dentist is Stevie Wonder. Got the image in your head? That's this movie.

(NEW thoughts: I don't remember anything about this one, if that says anything. Although, I am still finding that I was a much harsher critic back in the day. That's not at all who I am now. It's kind of weird seeing where I was and wondering what made me so dang jaded?)



If you feel like watching this. Don't. Watch anything else instead.

my thoughts on.... 'The Terrible Two'

As with all of my reviews of films for The Creepercast, I fully recommend that you check each and every one of them out. I am one man and this is my opinion. I've seen plenty of movies that received reviews that were the complete opposite of how I saw the film. These writers, directors, producers and actors all put a lot of time and love into these projects. They deserve to be seen and appreciated for what they are. Everyone has a dream and I fully support the people that take the time to make theirs a reality. With that being said....

We watch all kinds of horror films here. We'll never shy away from them, big budget or no budget. If someone has a story to tell, we'll give them a shot. Sometimes they're winners and sometimes not so much. In the case of 'The Terrible Two', it was hard to tell at first. Initially, I was hopeful. The direction was fairly well done and the cinematography was strong. It felt like it had the potential to be something pretty scary. However, over the course of its running time, it fell apart. I can't pinpoint the exact moment that it happened, but it never recovered. I think what bothered me the most, is that there was so much potential there. I mean, it wasn't the most original story ever told. We've seen the haunted house/possession thing done before, so it's hard to find a new way to re-tell that story. That doesn't mean it can't still be something entertaining and worth watching. But there were no ghosts, no real danger, no blood (or very little until the end) and it just felt like a Lifetime movie of the week.

Let's take a moment to break down the plot a bit. The story starts out with our young couple, expecting a new baby any day now, looking at buying a home. It seems perfect and they decide to buy it. Fast forward a year and both of their kids are dead. Some kind of accident has taken them away and the couple is trying to rebuild their lives. The man is focused on work and trying to get back on track, but the woman is slipping deeper into sadness and depression. She can't seem to get over the loss. Soon, she's hearing their voices, making birthday cakes for them and staying home from work every day. It begins to put a strain on their marriage. It's also not clear if what she's hearing and dealing with it real or just her mind playing tricks on her. After a while, it becomes clear that there is something sinister in the house, when she finds a manuscript talking about a creature called Legion. Then the man begins to remember what happened to the girls, that they fell off the roof and broke their necks. Not thinking it was his fault, but that it was just a tragedy. Then, eventually, all hell breaks loose and the girls begin to manifest themselves. Before long, we realize that Legion is behind everything. That he is the reason the girls died and they've come back to take the woman. Some other things happen and are revealed and the movie ends with a new family about to buy the house, only to begin the cycle again.

One of the things that confused me the most about this film is this: Was this a Christian film made by some mega church or something? I mean, everyone knows about the infamous 'Blood Freak' horror film. That one came out in 1972 and is notorious for being terrible, but also for it's Christian roots. This one seemed to be steeped in that message, but was confused about how to convey it. When there was no blood or actual horror in the beginning, I thought maybe it was because it was ghost type story. As the film went on and they kept talking about Legion and quoting the bible and even praying, it seemed to make more sense. Then, at the end, when there was blood and stabbing and what not, I had to re-think everything. I even did some research and couldn't find anything that pointed a finger in any one direction. So, if it's not a Christian horror film that is trying to keep people from hanging out with Legion, then I'd be surprised. Aside from all of that, it just wasn't very well done. The main villains weren't threatening and the CGI effects for Legion were.... questionable at best. I really did want this to be good. The poster sold me on the contents that lay inside. It ended up being like a bag of chips, there were some chips inside, but most of it was just air.

I give a lot of credit to the film makers, for writing something they were proud of and to find the people to put it all together and get it out there. It's something I've never done. I can't say that I'm burning to tell any stories, but I have the utmost respect for those who do. Art is a scary thing. Putting yourself out there in the hopes that others will like what you have to say. Meanwhile, my job as a reviewer, is to look at the final product and put it into perspective. Considering my years as a film goer, former film student and lover of the horror genre. Granted, I consider myself a little jaded, but never closed minded to new things. I love to see what the world has to offer and am constantly being surprised by the quality of films being made these days. I hope that Billy Lewis takes the feedback he receives from myself and others and uses it to make his next film even better and I'll be the first one in line to see what's next. Sadly, for 'The Terrible Two', it's a 1 out of 5 star film. There just wasn't enough there to make it worth a repeat viewing and I feel like it wasn't something I can really recommend. Maybe I'm wrong? Maybe you'll love it. Give it a chance, because we all come from different backgrounds and perhaps you'll find something in it that I missed. I will say this, it did teach me a valuable lesson. Never buy a home without doing a little bit of research first. You never know what you'll get and nobody wants to end up in a bad movie.



If you want to see something like this, but that I enjoyed more: 'Paranormal Activity', 'Rosemary's Baby' (1968) or 'Poltergeist'

"The Terrible Two" on VOD March 6

my thoughts on.... 'Day of the Dead: Bloodlines'

As with all of my reviews of films for The Creepercast, I fully recommend that you check each and every one of them out. I am one man and this is my opinion. I've seen plenty of movies that received reviews that were the complete opposite of how I saw the film. These writers, directors, producers and actors all put a lot of time and love into these projects. They deserve to be seen and appreciated for what they are. Everyone has a dream and I fully support the people that take the time to make theirs a reality. With that being said....

What can you say about George A. Romero's 'Day of the Dead' (1985) that hasn't already been said. It's a film that wasn't nearly the scale and scope that he wanted. He had to tone down his blockbuster story, to match his ever shrinking non-blockbuster budget. The result was still a far superior zombie tale to many of those still being made today. Then, there was 'Day of the Dead' (2008). Steve Miner's attempt to play off of the success of Zack Snyder's 'Dawn of the Dead' remake in (2004). While I found the film to be quite fun and an interesting take on the original story, it didn't quite have the same staying power. Although, I'll admit that he made the story his own and created a fairly fun little popcorn zombie film. Now, lest you think I've forgotten about 'Day of the Dead 2: Contagium' (2005), I haven't. I just haven't been able to bring myself to watch it, after all of the horrible things I've seen and read about it, I've stayed far away from it. So that brings us to Hèctor Hernández Vicens brand new take on the tale, 'Day of the Dead: Bloodlines' (2018). Now, this isn't a part 2 or a continuation of the original story. This is truly another remake. As it's been well documented, I'm a fan of remakes. I have no issues with them, as long as the creators are doing something different. Making the story their own and bringing something new to the table. Sadly, no one has attempted George A. Romero's original script yet, but maybe someday in the future it'll see the light of day on the big screen. In this version, it sticks pretty close to the original film from 1985. There are a few deviations, but overall, it's the same story with some different characters or ones that have been combined into one person. But before we dig into the finer points of the film, let's break down the plot.

The film begins with a scene of mass hysteria, as the zombie have already begun to overrun the human population. There are people screaming and running for their lives, as everyone around them is either being ripped apart or being turned into the undead themselves. At this point, we meet Zoe. She's trying to grasp what's happening, while trying to find safety and shelter. Now, we rewind to earlier before the outbreak has occurred. We learn that Zoe is a med student and she's got a creeper stalker named Max. As the other med students are having a big party, Zoe is being victimized by Max. Soon, patient zero returns from the dead and begins spreading the zombie virus at an alarming rate. Zoe escapes and we fast forward to the present. Some time has passed and she's found her way into a military stronghold, where she's the only practicing doctor, who's surviving alongside military personal and civilians just hoping to not become part of the world of the undead. When they learn that a little girl has a strain of pneumonia that will potentially infect everyone in the bunker, Zoe leads a team back to the medical school to get much needed medical supplies. When they return, they have an unknown hitchhiker, a very zombie Max. Once they realize he's there, they also realize that he may be the cure to the virus. Not a way to turn everyone back to humans, but the way to keep anyone else from being turned into the walking dead. Before long, things go sideways and Zoe has to do everything she can to save Max, in order to make a cure, but not kill off everyone else in the process.

What's interesting about this take on the original story, is that it's almost like an even more toned down version of what was already toned down. The budget is obviously less than the 1985 and the 2008 versions of the film. While elements of them both still remain, you can clearly see that they were doing the best with what they have. The only real name in the film is Johnathon Schaech, who most of you may recognize from his role as Jimmy in 'That Thing You Do!'. He's taking on the role of Max, the analog for the original and remakes lovable learning zombie, Bub. In this go around, he's not so lovable. They have also gone so far as to explain why he's smarter than your average zombie. Why he retains some of the things that make us human, including logic and reason. He's still a creeper, but we learn very quickly that he's capable of rational thought as he literally hunts down Zoe and keeps himself hidden in the bunker. This doesn't really feel very logical and really hurts the story, in my opinion. Not the fact that he can react to things in a more human way, but that he uses it for the purpose of continuing to be a creeper. He's anything but likable in this film. In this version of the story, Zoe is a composite of both Sarah and Dr. Logan. One of the few female leads and the only doctor on site. We lose the characters of John and Bill, which provided some relief from all the military personal in the original. In this re-telling, it's all military, Zoe and some civilians, probably due to budget, but it gives the viewer less characters to really latch onto. Which in any film where the overall plot is fairly dark, you need some spots of daylight to keep you interested and to give you people to root for. Here, we end up not really having anyone we care about or that we want to see live. Even the zombie, Bub, that we all fell in love with, is turned into something to loathe and despise. It's a brave decision, but the wrong one to make. With a run time of about an hour and 30 minutes, it feels like a 50 minute race to the ending. I never found myself rooting for anyone and it all felt like we were going through the motions. At least in the 2008 film, we still had characters that were fun to watch and even the undead helped to move the story along. One last big change from the original, was the running zombies vs the slow, shambling ones. While this is a stylistic choice, in this film it's not utilized very well. The same can be said for how quickly the infected turn. We even get an explanation that, depending on where you've been bitten, will dictate how quickly you become a 'rotter'. Scientifically, it makes sense, I guess? But this is like the difference between the rate in which you get high taking a Vicodin vs mainlining heroin. Not too mention the blood splatter bursts. That only works in anime, guys.

At the end of a very bloody day, 'Day of the Dead: Bloodlines' kind of fails at what it's trying to do. While I can respect Hèctor Hernández Vicens' vision and what he was trying to do, I think he was hamstrung by a shoddy script and a minuscule budget. The actors seemed to be straight out of film school and there was never really any drama, danger or a real plot to speak of. Imagine taking your favorite story and removing all of the things you really loved about it and replacing it with excerpts from the phone book. That's kind of what we ended up with here and it's a shame. While the original isn't crying out for a remake, after what 'Dawn of the Dead' (2004) did for upping the remake game, there's a potential there to create something amazing. Only time will tell if we'll ever get a version of this story that will stand alongside the original and don't get me wrong, it wasn't a perfect film. However, it's stood the test of time and has still managed to set the tone for generations of zombie films that followed it. It's quotable and has one of the most horrific scenes of undead violence ever committed to the screen. If you don't know what I'm referring too, just think back to when Rhodes finally got his comeuppance. I'm giving this film 1 out of 5 stars. Sadly, it just fell far too short of the mark. Little budget or not, I've seen films on a tiny budget, pull off really big things. So that's not an excuse. Somewhere right now, Bub is rolling over in his empty grave. Also, what was up with Johnathon Schaech's mouth?!?!



If you want to see where this all began, check out: 'Day of the Dead' (1985), 'Day of the Dead' (2008) and while you're at it, check out 'The Battery' a film that was made on a shoestring budget that is still one of the best zombie films of the past 10 years

my 'classic' thoughts on.... 'Miner's Massacre' aka 'Curse of the Forty-Niner'

Dragging the depths of my old horror reviews, I thought they might need to see the light of day again. So, I bring you some of Joel's 'Classic' horror reviews....

Don't ask me why I even bothered adding this one to my Netflix queue. But for some unknown reason, I did. Perhaps I was hoping for a “good” bad movie? What I got instead, was a “bad” terrible movie. Nothing about this film was worthwhile. Not even Karen Black could save it from itself. It was pure and unadulterated crap, from start to finish.

Once again, I'm not even going to bother with the plot. Well, maybe I will? A miner, who's some what of a satanist, puts a curse on his gold. This way, if anyone takes it, he'll come back from the dead to kill them. Of course, some young people find it and he comes back for his revenge. Did I mention that he puts a pick ax onto his arm, so that he can use it to kill everyone? Well, he does. 1 out of 5 stars and yes, they left it open for a sequel.



If you put this in your queue, you deserve what you get. Instead, watch something similar, but more entertaining: ALL of the 'Leprechaun' films. (minus, 'Leprechaun: Origins')

my thoughts on.... 'Scream at the Devil'

As with all of my reviews of films for The Creepercast, I fully recommend that you check each and every one of them out. I am one man and this is my opinion. I've seen plenty of movies that received reviews that were the complete opposite of how I saw the film. These writers, directors, producers and actors all put a lot of time and love into these projects. They deserve to be seen and appreciated for what they are. Everyone has a dream and I fully support the people that take the time to make theirs a reality. With that being said....

At The Creepercast, we make a point of seeing anything and everything featuring our patron saint, Bill Oberst Jr. When 'Scream at the Devil' came across our desk, we got excited to see his name attached and I happened to be the lucky one assigned to watch this film. From the get go, there were several things to be excited about. Not only was Bill in it, but he was surrounded by some other favorites of mine too; including Tony Todd ('Candyman'), Eric Etebari ('Witchblade') and Shari Shattuck ('On Deadly Ground'). The poster for the film, was pretty creepy and seemed to have a 'Last Exorcism' vibe to it, which was another positive. The prospects were all pointing in a good direction. What happened over the course of the next hour and 38 minutes, were not what I was expecting to see at all.

The movie opens like a Roman Polanski film and from the very beginning, I could appreciate all the love of 70's and 80's supernatural movies writer/director Joseph P Stachura was paying homage too. We initially meet our protagonist, Mirium (Shattuck), as she seems to be worshiping some kind of god or demon, praying for a child of her own. It's clear that she's tried and failed before, to conceive a child, and is desperate to try anything. Soon, we've moved forward a couple of days and she's moving into her brand new home, with her husband Gabriel (Etebari). They seem happy enough, as they slowly settle into their new lives in a beautifully, picturesque, mountain view home. However, it would appear that some other entities have moved in as well. Over the course of the rest of the movie, we watch as Mirium appears to slowly descends into madness or is she really being tormented by the devil and his minions? The walls of reality start to bend and blur so much, that even the viewer no longer can tell the truth. Not until the final scene of the film plays out.

In story and structure, the film is very straightforward. The locations are minimal and the actors are all well seasoned and know their craft. We have a classic tale of what happens when you ask for something from the darkness, before thinking about the consequences. On paper, this idea seems like it should work. Sadly, in it's execution, it falls incredibly flat. I could tell, from the early scene in the bedroom when Mirium see's the screaming/yelling demon, that this was not going to be a very good film. The practical effects, CGI and other special effects all looked to be stolen from a late 90's Cinemax film, but all of that could be forgiven, if the rest of the movie was stronger. There are some strong points to the film, however. Bill Oberst Jr, although in a very minimal appearance, steals the scene and is suitably creepy. There is also the stand out performance of Teddy Vincent as Bellah. She's channeling her inner neighbor from 'Rosemary's Baby' and makes your skin crawl with her overly friendly evil. 'Scream at the Devil' strives to be a classic demon story, but just never finds it's foot hold in the genre. For example, the over use of special effects to show you the evil that's plaguing Mirium, instead of letting your mind create the terror. Especially considering how much Mr. Stachura plays with the notion that maybe this is all just in her mind. Sometimes less, truly is more. The more I think about the film and what happens throughout, the more I realize how heavily it borrows from 'Rosemary's Baby'. From the obviously demon like neighbors, to the hellish love making scene, all the way down to the idea of carrying the child of the devil. It's all in there. The only thing that sets this apart as a different tale, is the psychosis of our lead character. Which is also what takes away from the end result.

I wish that I had more positive things to say about this film, but unfortunately there's just not enough there to elevate it beyond a 1 out of 5 star review. It's clear that Etebari and Shattuck are doing the best with what they have. Even Tony Todd brings his 'A' game to his character, trying to breathe life into the third act of the story. It's not really any one person at fault here, it's just that all of the pieces of the puzzle don't fit together like they could have. I truly respect and can appreciate anyone who is willing to do everything it takes to make a movie on their own terms. You can't please everyone and as long as, at the end of the day, you're happy with the end results. Then that's all the matters.



If you like movies like this, please check out: 'Rosemary's Baby' (1968), 'The Lords of Salem' and 'The House of the Devil'

my thoughts on.... 'Clownhouse'

As with all of my reviews of films for The Creepercast, I fully recommend that you check each and every one of them out. I am one man and this is my opinion. I've seen plenty of movies that received reviews that were the complete opposite of how I saw the film. These writers, directors, producers and actors all put a lot of time and love into these projects. They deserve to be seen and appreciated for what they are. Everyone has a dream and I fully support the people that take the time to make theirs a reality. With that being said....

'Clownhouse' is one of those films that gets mentioned, a lot, as being a classic of the clown horror genre. I've been putting it off for years, because I was never in the right mood and wanted to let the hype die down. Over that time, it continued to cement itself on many critics 'best of' lists. Well, I finally took the time to sit down and give it a day in court.

Directed by the controversial director, Victor Salva, primarily known for the 'Jeepers Creepers' franchise and 'Powder' and stars a very young Sam Rockwell. 'Clownhouse' opens 2 weeks prior to Halloween, as we're introduced to 3 brothers who are enjoying a local circus. The youngest brother, Casey, is revealed to have an irrational fear of clowns after being asked to be a volunteer during the show. He screams and runs out, leaving his other two brothers behind. At this same time, we learn that 3 men have escaped from a local mental institution and promptly kill the 3 clowns from the show and choose to put on their makeup to.... hide from capture? After the circus, the 3 brothers head home to spend the evening alone, as their mom is away for the night. The oldest brother, played by Rockwell, makes some popcorn and puts in a scary movie for them to watch. As they're watching the film, the power goes out and the 3 clowns sneak into their home. The rest of the film, consists of the 3 brothers eluding the 3 clowns and eventually fighting back, as best they can. At some point, the police are called and things come to an end, with still no sign of mom.

After the movie was over, I started to question what all the hype was about? Why was this film considered such a classic? It felt more like a TV movie of the week or an 'After School Special' than it did a horror film. Don't get me wrong, I think Victor Salva has talent, despite his unhealthy fascination with young boys, but this is not his crowning achievement. The music, the cinematography, the script and the direction all felt so flat and uninspired. The actors all did the best they could, with what they had to work with, I can't fault them for that. Perhaps it was just dated or perhaps it was intended to be the way it was? I guess only Mr. Salva knows for sure. All I know is that I was unimpressed.

Let's take a quick moment to talk about the music. In any film, horror or not, the music should underscore the action and help to set the tone of what you're seeing. In 'Clownhouse', the music was designed to play up the fact that mentally unstable men were dressed as clowns out to terrorize a house of young boys. In small doses, it might have worked. The problem was is that it never seemed to end or let up. After a while, it actually began to detract from the film. It's overuse became almost comical. I don't know if it would have made it a better movie without it, but it might have made a little more tolerable. All in all, 'Clownhouse' was a giant letdown. A 2 out of 5 star film, at best and I think I'm being kind in giving it that much. Maybe I missed the point? Maybe I waited too long to see it? Maybe it really was just that bad? I don't regret the time I spent watching it, because now I can check it off my list of things I needed to see.

Give it a chance, as you might see it and really dig enjoy it. For me, I don't ever need to see it again.



If you want enjoyable clown based horror, check out: 'Killer Klowns from Outer Space', 'Clown' or 'All Hallows Eve'

6 weeks of Christmas Horror w/ my thoughts on.... 'Silent Night Zombie Night' (an original Creepercast site review)

As with all of my reviews of the independent films that we get sent here at The Creepercast, I fully recommend that you check each and every one of them out. I am one man and this is my opinion. I've seen plenty of movies that received reviews that were the complete opposite of how I saw the film. These writers, directors, producers and actors all put a lot of time and love into these projects. They deserve to be seen and appreciated for what they are. Everyone has a dream and I fully support the people that take the time to make theirs a reality. With that being said....
Usually, people like to save the best stuff for last, in this case.... it didn't happen. I took one for the team, so that you didn't have too.
It's no secret that I love zombie films. Anyone who's read one of my reviews of the increasing number of undead themed movies out there knows that they're my bread and butter of the horror world. I can't explain the exact reason why, but I love them unabashedly. Maybe it's the age old story of overcoming overwhelming odds or maybe it's coming to terms with our own mortality or maybe it's just that I love dead things? I don't know. All I have come to realize over the course of my life is that reanimated corpses are kind of my thing, but not in a weird way. Because of this, a zombie themed Christmas horror film seemed like a no brainer. (all pun intended) What I didn't realize is that 'Silent Night Zombie Night' would turn out to be DOA.

This epic waste of time, tells the story of 3 survivors of a weirdly swift and lame end of the world. Where the zombies go from zero to complete infestation in a matter of about 15 minutes. The entire United States basically just throws their hands in the air and surrenders to, quite possibly, the lamest horde of zombies ever put on screen. We open with a ripped off theme from a big budget studio, overlayed on a different companies logo. From that point on, I already knew this movie was going to steal an hour and a half of my life. In our opening scene we come to find Sarah Talbot (Nadine Stenovitch) in trouble. Soon, her smarmy, cop husband Frank Talbot (Jack Forcinito) shows up with his partner and equally unlikable guy by the name of Nash Jackson (Andy Hopper). They saunter around talking about how much they hate each other, until they realize that the zombie outbreak has occurred. With cat like reflexes and quick thinking, they run and hide in Frank's apartment, located upstairs and only about a block away, rather than help the citizens of LA. Once inside, they find Sarah doing the same thing, hiding. In a moment of clarity, Frank tries the stove to make sure its still works! Rather than taking advantage of a door at the bottom of the stairs that is protected by the heavy storm door attached too it, they just leave it open and close the apartment door at the top of the stairs. Luckily, the undead don't know how to open it. Over time, we come to find that the reason Nash and Frank hate each other is that Frank's marriage is on the rocks and maybe it's because of Nash. Stuff happens and soon Frank is hiding in an attic with an out of place, Jeff Hannigan (Lew Temple). While hiding, some other people in pads and helmets show up to “rescue” them all. Sadly, Jeff gets his face chewed and doesn't realize it until later. Then, the bite robs him of his acting ability and he gets killed. Some more stuff happens and soon it's only the 3 of them again and one of the rescuers. Frank and Nash do some stupid stuff and when they run out of bullets trying to kill 1 zombie, they end up beating it to death instead.... but not before letting it chew on them both. Frank gets smarmy all over the place and Sarah shoots them both and rides off into the sunset with Elsa Lansing (Felissa Rose). The End, thank God.
Written and directed by Sean Cain, this movie steals from every place imaginable and I'm pretty sure, didn't pay the RIAA for any of the music that was played.. From ripping off an entire scene from 'Reservoir Dogs' to using music he shouldn't have. It just seems like Sean was sitting around one night and was like, “I'm going to make a zombie movie! Kids love zombie movies!” and the rest is history. I don't like having to write reviews like this, because it's such a beloved horror sub genre for me. It's also upsetting, because I know that a lot of these people put their time, money and talents into something they believed in. Sadly, the acting was community theater, at best and the characters were all very unlikable. From the start to the finish, I couldn't have cared less who lived or died. I didn't even want to root for the zombies. Not only did they look like they dropped hot pizza on themselves, they made dolphin noises to communicate with each other and I'm not even joking. Not too mention, Frank always had a look on his face like he was squinting, working out a math problem while trying not to fart at the same time. Think, Clint Eastwood, combined with Dana Carvey doing his George Bush impression.... but with muscles. It's all I could do to finish this movie.

In the end, I was very glad when it was finally over. There was nothing about this horror film that I liked. Nothing. This is one of the reasons why the zombie brand is so over saturated. Because every Tom, Dick and Harry thinks it's easy to make a movie about the undead. It's not. It takes a smart script, with people you care about and the living dead that create fear in you. This had none of those things. 'Silent Night Zombie Night' was just an exercise in futility. I hate to give anything 0 out of 5 stars, so I'm going to bump it up to 1 out of 5 stars, because Lew Temple deserves a little credit. Granted, he got wrapped up in all the terrible and eventually lost his way. Even after that, I still like the guy. If you've got some spare time and want to watch the equivalent of having a hang nail removed, then this is the movie for you. If you would rather see an example of a good zombie movie, then look elsewhere. This one is bad for the sake of being bad. Even the undead wished they had stayed that way.

Want some good zombie films? Check out: 'Dawn of the Dead' (1978), 'The Dead'/'The Dead: India' or 'Wyrmwood: Road of the Dead'

my very brief thoughts on.... 'The Gingerdead Man'

As with all of my reviews of films for The Creepercast, I fully recommend that you check each and every one of them out. I am one man and this is my opinion. I've seen plenty of movies that received reviews that were the complete opposite of how I saw the film. These writers, directors, producers and actors all put a lot of time and love into these projects. They deserve to be seen and appreciated for what they are. Everyone has a dream and I fully support the people that take the time to make theirs a reality. With that being said....

In my college days, I spent a lot of misspent hours watching a lot of Full Moon feature films. Back then, it was done while sitting around with a bunch of guys on the dorm floor, late at night and watching a b-grade movie. It's fun. However, when you're 42 years old, alone and watching one of these features, it's not nearly the same experience. What's kind of ironic about it is that nothing has changed with any of these films, since 1994. Same pacing, same music, same horrible acting and scripts. I'm sad to say that I had the misfortune of sitting through 'The Gingerdead Man' tonight and I'm not even sure that if I had my dorm floor guys, if this would have been any more watchable.

It tells the story of a man, played by Gary Busey, who murders a family in a diner. 2 years later he's put to death, only to be resurrected by some blood mixed in with some gingerbread dough. From there, things get very boring, as he attempts to kill everyone that ends up in the bakery. He only succeeds with 3 of them and 1 of those 3 is only because he's possessed by The Gingerdead Man and shoved into an industrial oven. Shortly after he's burning alive, one of the main characters says, "There's nothing we could have done." Really? Nothing except shoving him into the oven? That's the quality of movie we're dealing with.

Charles Band hasn't grown as a film maker and it shows. 'The Gingerdead Man' could have just as easily have been made in 1994, as it was in 2005. It's not something I would ever recommend and I'm sorry to say that they made 3 additional sequels. I can barely even give it 1 out of 5 stars. Sadly, I don't even think Gary Busey knew what he was getting into, when he signed on to make this movie. Let alone, what in the hell was going on. Just watch the opening 7 minutes or so of the movie and you'll get the overall idea of how the entire movie will go. Pure and utter garbage.



If you want to see a better b-grade masterpiece, check out: 'Thankskilling', 'Poultrygeist' or any of the 'Toxic Avenger' films.

my thoughts on.... 'ClownTown'

As with all of my reviews of films for The Creepercast, I fully recommend that you check each and every one of them out. I am one man and this is my opinion. I've seen plenty of movies that received reviews that were the complete opposite of how I saw the film. These writers, directors, producers and actors all put a lot of time and love into these projects. They deserve to be seen and appreciated for what they are. Everyone has a dream and I fully support the people that take the time to make theirs a reality. With that being said....

The dictionary definition of a fear of clowns:

Coulrophobia [kool-ruh-foh-bee-uh] noun 1. an abnormal fear of clowns.

Many people suffer from this specific phobia, but it comes in many forms. In the past 30 years or so, it's become a focal point of the horror genre and a subject that has been used many times over. I don't have this specific fear, but can understand why clowns would be seen as frightening. The greasepaint smile and the unknown person beneath it all. What are their motives? Who are they? Why do they have that creepy sounding horn? I fully get why people don't like them, but the horror genre has yet to create a clown that truly scares me. The 2014 Eli Roth produced film, directed by Jon Watts, came the closest with it's fable like story about a man turning into a clown type monster. Simply titled 'Clown', Mr. Watts created a very effective monster that however fantastical he was, he was still something to be feared. Pennywise the clown, from Stephen King's 'It', comes to mind as another one that struck a horrific chord with audiences. Outside of that, it's been difficult to transition a realistic fear onto the screen, to make it readable by all theater goers. Rob Zombie is about to release his take on the clown genre with '31'. He's going more for the throat with it, but then we have 'ClownTown'. Directed by Tom Nagel and written by Jeff Miller. Possibly bought and distributed to compete with Rob's upcoming epic? I'm not sure, but the comparisons are going to be made regardless. Maybe it's just unfortunate timing or maybe just a weird coincidence, but it doesn't take away from the fact that they will both exist at the same time.

'ClownTown' begins with a shot of a mailbox that reads 'Strode' on the side. Immediately, I could tell that the film maker was wanting to pay tribute to John Carpenter's 'Halloween'. But it takes it even one step further, as a babysitter is telling the kids she's watching, that it's time for bed. As she is headed to the kitchen, the boy appears our of nowhere in a clown costume. From there, he runs upstairs, as the babysitter gets a call from their father. A terrible train accident has happened and he won't be home anytime soon. As soon as she hangs up, an ax comes from off screen and lands firmly in her midsection. Fast forward 15 years, as 4 friends are on their way to a concert. Along the way, they stop at a diner for directions and one of them ends up losing their phone. Once they realize it's gone, they end up calling it to see where it might be, so maybe they can pick it up before finishing their trip to the show. The voice on the other end of the call tells them to meet him at a gazebo in a town just up the road called 'Clinton'. Meanwhile, two guys are heading in that same direction, one drinking and the other getting high. As we come back to the friends, day has turned into night and no one has shown up. Needless to say, no one has shown up anywhere in the town. It's deserted. They begin to head back to their truck to get back on the road, just then they spot a strange looking man dressed as a clown. One of them wants to ask directions, but is pushed on by the others. Soon they realize their truck is dead and they go looking for help. Nobody is around, until one of the girls is nearly hit by the two guys in their truck. As they try to sort out if everyone is okay, three men dressed in clowns appear. A burly one that looks like Tom Hardy's portrayal of 'Bronson' in greasepaint, carrying an ax. Another one that looks like a cracked out carny carrying a can of gasoline. Finally, a fancy looking one with a crowbar. They soon attack and kill on the two men in a truck, as the others stand there doing nothing. Everyone freaks out and begins to run and the cracked out carny hisses at them, while lighting the dead tuck guy on fire. From there, it's a cat and mouse game, through the dimly lit town, as the clowns are looking to kill the remaining trespassers and kidnap the girls.

As usual, I'm not going to give you the whole plot, as that is a disservice to the film makers who crafted the story to be experienced and not to be re-told by me. Even without knowing all the finer points of the plot, you may already be able to tell that 'ClownTown' fell short on the scare factor and really short on the logic factor. I mean, we get that these killers aren't clowning around, but they just come off so incredibly silly that it takes you out of any real sense of danger and eventually makes you stop caring about who lives or dies. The only thing that matters is if you can survive watching the rest of the film. For example, someone they meet along the way, while hiding from the killer clowns, is a man who tells them about what's going on. How the town slowly died after the train crash (remember from earlier?) and soon the clowns appeared as the locals began disappearing. In a flashback we see various locals meeting their fate, as the town shuts down in fear and a lack of financial stability. Yet, somehow, a woman decides to go sunbathing a midst all of the chaos and.... yup, gets killed by a clown. Really? Is this what passes for good storytelling? This film is basically a hodge podge of 'Wrong Turn' meets 'The Texas Chainsaw Massacre' (2003) with a hint of Michael Moore's 'Roger and Me'. It just doesn't ever gel into anything that I feel I need to see again. Even the poster for it doesn't match up to anything in the film. None of the clowns wear actual clown attire and there is no woman that looks like the one crawling for help.

At the end of the day, they leave this open for a sequel and I hope that the circus doesn't ever come back to town. This film could have been something more than it was, but so many elements were sewn together in a tapestry of confusion. It was as if they were trying to create something using a bunch of different elements from other horror films, that work on their own, but not when they're jammed together into one screenplay. Not too mention, almost every scene in this film was so dark that it made things hard to make out and created a very amateurish feel to the end product. Granted, I've seen a lot of amateur horror films that may be low on budget, but big on production values and pulled a lot out of a very little. This movie had some financing behind it, but it wasn't put to good use. I can see what Jeff Miller and Tom Nagel were going for, but it just didn't work out the way they planned or maybe it did? I had low expectations going into this one and usually I'm rewarded by something that exceeds what I had thought I was going to be shown. This proved to be everything I feared and more. If you're looking for something scary, maybe something with clowns in it, I don't recommend investing your time into 'ClownTown'. I applaud everyone involved for doing the best with what they had, but before they set out to make their next film, they should consider the 'less is more' theory of movie making and just tell a good story. The rest will come. 1 out of 5 stars and I'm not entirely sure what I actually liked about this one. This was a slow burn, that never caught fire. Unless maybe it was a dumpster fire?

If you want something with clowns, that may be more satisfying, check out: 'Killer Klowns From Outer Space', 'Clown' (2014) or 'All Hallows' Eve' (now THAT has a clown that will keep you up at night!)

my thoughts on.... 'Visiting Hours' (an original Creepercast site review)

What do you get when you combine William Shatner and Michael Ironside? You get the movie 'Visiting Hours'. Are those two elements enough to make this an awesome movie? Nope. Not in the slightest.
I wish I could pour praises out on this attempt at a slasher film. I can't. I just can't do it. This movie is so incredibly god awful, that there's little to no redeeming value to watching it or even talking about it. I mean, from the first scene where we meet Michael Ironside's killer, Colt Hawker, I lost interest. He had tons of jewelry on, but his clothes were completely off. This was somehow his murder method, which was horrendous and weird. I'm not entirely sure what the writer and director were going for, but I really don't think they succeeded at all.

The basic premise revolves around Michael Ironside's character, obsessing over Lee Grant's journalist character. After being attacked by him and ending up in the hospital. She's stuck in her recovery room, while he continues his attempts to finish the job. William Shatner gets smarmy with everyone and then one of the main characters gets killed. I'll let you figure out which, because I don't want to relive this movie anymore than I have too. I'm still suffering PTSD from it.
Directed by Jean-Claude Lord, who's other biggest credit is for 'Eddie and the Cruisers II: Eddie Lives!'. That should tell you everything you need to know about him. Along with Mr. Lord, this hunk of junk was written by Brian Taggert, who wrote such horror classics as 'Poltergeist III' and 'The Omen VI: The Awakening'. The pedigree behind this movie is astonishing.... astonishingly bad. I have nothing good to say about this. Not even the costumes were realistic. Even Ed Wood had reviews that could boast that fact. Do yourself a favor and avoid this one at all costs. 1 out of 5 stars. (Or less, if that's possible?)

Instead of watching this, enjoy some actual classic slasher films from the 80's: 'The Burning', 'Madman' or 'The Prowler'